omg *scream*

I am in such emotional distress. Don't get me wrong I'm not going to go all suicidal or do anything INSANE. I am just such a basket case,

I'm depressed.

Grieving,

pissed,

hurt,

sad, doubting myself. Did I do what I was supposed to do? I buried my mom 6.5 months ago. I arranged her funeral. She came to me as she was dieing. She had a brain hemorrhage and was suffering when she made it to my house. She called me before she left, she said she had a bad headache and was going to come to my house. She had an appointment at the cancer center the next day and I was going to take her. She came and laid down on my couch. I didn't know what was going on, she didn't want to go to the hospital. She laid there for about an hour vomiting then she had to go to the bath room. I tried to help her up and she fell back. I knew then something was wrong. I called 911. She said it's probably best they come get me, I need to rest. She kept saying "Lord, help me. Please God help me." I was numb, I didn't think it was the last time I'd get to really talk to her. I sat at her feet and rubbed them. She stared at me as she rubbed a cold cloth on her head. I just rubbed her feet till the ambulance came. I told them everything and they took her.

I got ready quick and went to the hospital. She was hurting so bad. She kept asking for something I asked the nurse to please ease her pain. She gave her a shot of something and mom seem to rest a little. They did tests and I asked how long will it be? may be 1-2 hours the nurse said. As soon as she stepped out the doctor rushed in.

"She has a brain hemorrhage. Shes going to have to be flown out."
I just said 'oh' in a very sad voice, it was like... I was outside myself and I saw how sad I looked and I saw how my mother looked and everything got real scary. I rubbed her head and kissed her cheeks. The doctor left and they started prepping her for flight. I told her what was going on, "ok, honey" she said in a distant tone.
"I love you mom" I said

"I love you honey" - in a distant tone

I walked with them as they took her to the helicopter and stopped at the double doors.

"Bye mom, I love you...."

Nothing.

I can't finish this right now.